It's been a year since I left the BBC and the airwaves of World Service Radio. I'm as passionate about knowing what's happening in the world as before, but this video really made me laugh! For the past year, cut loose from the drip-feed of current events and manic deadlines, I can see that the news industry is wildly out of touch with time as a concept most people are familiar with.
There's a part of me that misses the rush of fast-moving headlines and buffet-style attention to current events. Another part of me recognizes the less exciting truth that real participation in society and active engagement with life happen in a much slower, more organic way. Now at the end of my day, there is no adrenaline rush as I go to air with a radio program, and that does sometimes feel unsatisfying. But it also feels like a healthy change and I don't miss making relentless demands on my body and mind.
GESTATION
I'm 15 weeks pregnant after years of wishing for a baby. We tried all the tests, specialists, dietary changes, boxes of supplements, psychotherapy, yoga and one major operation... but what it finally took was the step I had dreaded most: quitting my job. I knew instinctively that I was tired and mentally worn-out from 12 years as a news and travel junkie. Quitting seemed like admitting defeat and giving up just when all those years of paying my dues were leading to really exciting job offers.
Still I quit quite happily, relishing the thought of having lots of time to myself. But instead of some idyllic early retirement, I found myself working twice as hard to generate interesting work, to make up for the guilt of quitting a fantastic job, and the feeling of failure since I still hadn't managed to get pregnant.
I went through months of mental anguish, hitting my lowest point on my 35th birthday, when I spent the entire day in bed so depressed, hopeless and in floods of tears, that my best friend, Vimmi, laughed at me and asked, "Are you turning one today?"
Still, those tumultuous months allowed me the time and space to work through many emotional and physical issues that were simply becoming more acute and debilitating the more I tried to tear myself in two opposite directions: child-bearing and a high pressure news career.
Bizarrely, in the end, I think all it took was some creative visualization: imagining my body was fully capable of conceiving and making a mental video of it happening. I know there's no way of knowing how effective that really was... but I tried it once, and bang! None of the ovulation test kits, temperature taking, herbs, supplements, tests or interventions did it alone (though I'm sure the supplements helped).
I'll never forget finding out and the sheer giddy, tearful joy I felt! Nor the tears of happiness in my husband's eyes when I told him a few hours later.
Pregnancy brings its own challenges, mental, physical & emotional. Before I go into that, a few tips if you're struggling to conceive:
1) Doctors and fertility experts don't treat stress, yet it has a profound effect on your reproductive system. I found meditation, particularly David Fontana's book, hugely helpful.
2) If you're lucky enough to have access to an Ayurvedic doctor, make an appointment. Ayurveda, a 3,000 year old Indian tradition, takes stress very seriously, which in itself provides some relief.
3) Pilates & Yoga are liberating ways of positively strengthening mind and body. And if you're also lucky enough to have access to an osteopath, especially one who specializes in pregnancy and children, go immediately! A good osteopath, like mine, is worth at least 12 mediocre GPs.
4) In London, there is a brilliant tradition of counselling available that I found revolutionary in transcending the rat-runs in my worn-out brain caused by stress and worry. It's the Human Givens Institute-- check it out. It took me four sessions to break through months of paralyzing anxiety. It's also where I learned the visualization.
Next post: the weird world of pregnancy or "Why I feel like a giant gestating slug!"
What fantastic, brilliant news. Health and happiness to all of you!
Posted by: Rachel | 08 November 2008 at 05:00 PM